Surprise – 2 pink lines

Today marks 4 weeks pregnant.  When my period was late, I didn’t think that I was actually pregnant.  I had a couple bouts of spotting when I was supposed to get my period, and a couple days of spotting leading up to it.  Spotting has always been normal for me; my period has been irregular for quite some time and I think it was due to the amount of stress I was under for the past year.  However, when I looked at my period tracker app and it said 6 days late, but my boobs were tender, I got a little bit nervous.  I thought it was coming because my boobs always get tender leading up to my period, but it just didn’t.  Spotting stopped and my period never started.

Finally, I went and bought a pregnancy test.  Sure enough, two pink lines appeared.  My boobs are tender because that’s the first sign of pregnancy.  My mind was spinning.  I didn’t plan for this, I wasn’t prepared for this.  I don’t even know how to handle this news.  I had a few good cries.  And to think they suggested removing my uterus and left me with a feeling of not being able to get pregnant.

Now it’s time to accept and embrace.  I’m having a baby.  It still doesn’t feel real.  I have my first doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and maybe that’s when things will start to sink in?  So, I wanted to document how I’ve felt throughout this process because I couldn’t find much out there with regards to adenomyosis and pregnancy.  There is a lot of ‘high risk’ concerns but no ‘real life’ stories.  I’m completely terrified because I have no idea what to expect.  I’m nervous because I feel like my body is still healing from my previous issues.  Now, I have to change my entire mentality.

One morning on my way to work, I had a wave of nauseous come over me.  I thought I was going to puke in my car and have to turn around.  It was the weirdest feeling for me because I never get sick.  I might get a cold because I’m under a lot of stress but I can’t tell you the last time I had the flu.  The feeling passed and the rest of the work day was fine.  That was before I knew I was pregnant.  Once I found out, everything made sense.

During my 3rd -4th weeks of pregnancy, I had never felt more tired in my life.  I’m a very active and energetic person, I go to the gym daily and I love playing sports.  I couldn’t do any of that.  I could barely make it through the work day and I was now going to sleep by 9pm at the latest.  I had only one other wave of nauseous in the morning which passed.  My tummy has been very active though.  Feels like there’s constant grumblings going on.  Sometimes it’s like baby cramps and feels like your body is trying to digest, but it’s constantly feeling like that, not just after meals.  Nothing painful or unbearable.

I think I’ve worked out 3-4 times in the last two weeks.  My body does feel tired all the time.  I am taking it very slow as I’ve read the first trimester is very taxing on the body.  I’m hoping that as I progress through, I will be able to keep my activity levels up at the gym throughout this pregnancy.

My Goals:

  • Stay active
  • Be positive
  • Embrace
  • Research
  • Keep my hormonal outbursts in check
  • Don’t panic
  • Document the process

You can follow along in my bump process through Instagram here

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My struggles with Adenomyosis

It all started when I was 22 years old.  My internal health concerns.  I started to spot constantly outside of my monthly flow.  Then the pain started and everything hurt down there.  I went to the doctors and they didn’t want to look at me.  No exams, no tests.  They just assumed it was my birth control and said lets just try a different kind.  Nothing got better.  So, I went to a different doctor.  He examined me and found that my cervix was inflamed pretty badly.  He described it as looking very angry, but we didn’t know what was causing it.

The doctor instantly wanted to give me the HPV vaccine and I refused.  I had to explain to him that I did not to do vaccines.  Let the waves of judgement commence.

Let the years of testing and different doctors begin.  I was tested for everything under the sun.  I was sent to doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist.  Tried different birth controls but they only seemed to make it worse.  After 2 years of trying different birth controls, I finally went off birth control permanently.  As soon as I went off birth control my periods regulated and the spotting stopped.  The pain was still an issue though and so was bleeding during any examination.

I finally went for laparoscopic surgery to see if they could see anything.  Just some scar tissue and enlarged blood vessels.  Given their findings they diagnosed me with Adenomyosis and said there wasn’t a whole lot they could do for me.  Adenomyosis, now that’s a scary word.  What does that even mean.  Google did not tell me a whole lot about this disease at all.  My options were to remove my uterus to hopefully ease the pain or insert an IUD which has so many horrible side effects.  I wouldn’t consider either.  That was the last time I visited the doctors for help as they said they didn’t know how to help me further.

I started seeing a Natural Path who did find that I had a stagnant liver.   Not only that but I was estrogen dominant and needed more progesterone.  One of the side effects of birth control is becoming estrogen dominant.  We started working on that in hopes it would kick start some other things, however because she wasn’t covered under my benefits, I had to stop going due to cost.  Back to square one.  I was active with the gym and ate what I thought was fairly healthy, but I couldn’t seem to lose the weight.  I was just always bloated looking.  8 years in total I suffered with the pain.

I couldn’t talk about it with anyone.  How embarrassing.  My sex life was affected as we never knew if it was going to be a good day or bad.  Thankfully I had a very patient and understanding boyfriend who supported me through it all.  When I first started this journey, there wasn’t much information out there and doctors didn’t know what to do.

Finally, I found other people online who were suffering with similar things and what they were able to do about it.  At the beginning of 2017 I kicked my health into high gear and cut all the shit (minus the alcohol).  No more bad foods.  I had cut out fast food about 7 years ago, but cutting bread, rice and pasta was the most difficult now.  They had to go.  No more processed foods, no more bad carbs, flour, wheat, etc.  My gym workouts where switched up as well.

Instantly, within a month I was down 8lbs.  Within the year, I had lost 25lbs in total and 20% body fat.  It just dropped so easily.  All of a sudden, the pain was pretty much gone.  In my personal option, I think the birth control really messed up my system and I will never recommend it to anyone ever.  I think the shitty foods that we constantly eat just add to the issues that we are experiencing in our bodies.  There’s no more nutrients in the fast food/frozen food, we are starving our bodies of the good stuff.

One thing I openly said all the time is ‘I’m never having children’.  It was not a secret.  Throughout this entire process I believed I could not get pregnant.  It was drilled into my head that was no longer an option.  I would watch those around me get pregnant and be excited and I would watch those around me get pregnant and abort the babies.  It was hard for me, hurt deep down, that I didn’t get a say, the choice was taken away from me.

I started to lie to everyone about how I felt.  I couldn’t talk to people about this ‘disease’ I was suffering from.  I couldn’t let them know I couldn’t have kids.  It was easier to change my mentality to saying, I don’t want kids.  This would keep people off my back and I could just say that anytime someone asked me.  I literally convinced myself and my now husband that I didn’t want children.

 

New Year, New Me?

What can I say about 2017?  It has been one of the most hectic years of my life.  I’ve had some doozy (sticking with that word) years but this one comes close to topping the cake.  I put a lot of pressure on myself when planning things and I can be an emotional bundle of joy (sarcasm) and can sometimes take things personally.

While I will own that I’m not perfect and I try to remind myself after all the feels take over, that everything is an experience.  These are stories, that I will always have to tell.  Some I will look back and say ‘what was I thinking’, some I will say ‘while that was tough, I’m happy it happened’ and then there will be my favorites of ‘Thank God I did that!’.

This year has been a year of a lot of ups and downs, and while all that was happening my relationship with wine grew deeper and I now have a new-found love: Champagne.  My relationship with champagne this year has flourished and I’ve enjoyed every bottle I’ve popped.

I have gained some friends and I have lost some along the way.  I struggled this year in every aspect of my life.  In my personal relationships, my friendships, with my family and with work.  All year I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t hide it, but I couldn’t fix it.  I had to fight the waves and while it took its tolls, I think I’ve made it through.  I’m just waiting for those aftershocks to pass through.

While 2017 was me weathering the storm, 2018 I plan on being the storm (in a positive way). I wanted to take the time to remind myself of all the experiences and fun times I did get to enjoy this year.

This time last year, I was ringing in the new year with 30 friends and family at an epic pajama party in my house.  It was just FUN.  How a new year should start off.

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Against my best financial judgement, I traveled to Iceland.  It was an amazing experience and I am so happy I went as I knew I would never get that opportunity again.  It was only 4 days, but we packed them full of excitement.

 

My bridesmaids threw me an amazing bachelorette.  They knocked it out of the park and I was happy to have some college besties make it out as well.

Bachelorette

I spent a couple of nights down at the beach with a bottle of champagne, watching the sunset.  It is something that we take for granted and don’t tend to appreciate.

My MOH threw me a surprise bridal shower.  I said I didn’t want one but she went out of her way to help plan a little one for me and it was very thoughtful.

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I got married! It almost killed me but I planned an epic wedding.

I brought my family together.  My siblings and I have not all been together in probably close to 5 years.  While it was short-lived, it happened and it meant a lot to me.

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I spent some fun weekends away with some amazing people and enjoyed several concerts. Ed Sheeran, Dallas Smith, Halsey.

Even though it rained a lot this summer, I enjoyed my sports and those I played with!

The classic wine show.  I think it’s been a 5 year tradition now to go and it’s always my b-day weekend.  Never a bad time.

I got to sit back and enjoy other friends getting married.

I threw another epic New Years party to ring in the new year.


It will be a different year, full of different experiences. New friends and old. There are plenty more bottles to pop and happy memories to go with them.

Cheers!

Happiness & Heartbreak

It has been a whirlwind of a month of good times and sad times.  I had a great getaway week with some of my best friends down south and got to lay back in the hot sun relaxing and having fun. There was 13 of us that went on a trip and we had a great time from beginning to end.  I was faced with a couple challenges along the way but made sure I didn’t let them get me down!

So we land in Dominican and as soon sis I walk off the plane, a gust of wind hits me and I get a rock in my eye! I have the most sensitive eyes, they tear up just from light. So I’m standing in line waiting to go through customs and both my eyes are watering so bad! I litterally look like I’m bawling my eyes out. Thankfully they didn’t stop me at customs.

So I head to the washroom once I make it through and try to wash my eye out… No success. So the bawling continues all the way to the resort. It is so painful I don’t want to blink or look in any direction as I can just feel it scratching my eyeball. Get to the resort and it’s the afternoon so we’re getting ready for an early dinner, still can’t cry this thing out of my eye. I also can’t see anything in my eye

So we head to dinner and I have to carry Kleenex around with me to continue dabbing the tears that won’t stop falling. I’m now exhausted and my eyes are burning from crying all afternoon. Make it through dinner and were all sitting in the lobby drinking afterwards. All of a sudden I blink and I don’t feel any pain! I blink and blink again and I feel nothing! Excitement overtakes me and I start waving my hands and tell everyone I have an announcement to make! I yell “my eyeball is free, it’s gone!” Sooo happy, even though I couldn’t wear makeup the next couple days as my eyelid is swollen, red and sore.

Rest of the trip was a great time, hit up the disco every night, did get a cold mid trip and also came home sick and lost my voice. Walked into the casino with $0 and walked out with $30, a hat and shirt. Had some great luck at the black jack table!

Then it was time for it all to end. Had to head home back to reality. So I come home, only to find out my baby girl (cat) was not doing to good. She slowly stopped eating over 3 days and I didn’t think she was going to make it through the night. I spent half the night laying on the floor with her, saying my goodbyes, crying and hoping she would peacefully go through the night. She finally left me to go elsewhere in the house so I went to bed.

I woke up in the morning and ransacked the house to find her and see if she was okay. She was hiding in a cold dark space in the basement. I brought her upstairs and tucked her in a blanket on the couch and had to leave for the day. I came straight home from work and found her laying in the cold dark basement again.

I spent the evening laying in bed with her and my other cat. We snuggled the whole evening until she moved to the floor and I moved down with her. I was praying she would go peacefully but it didn’t seem to be in the plan. She was very docile the whole time, until something went wrong. We then had to rush her to the emergency vet and they gave her a pain killer and relaxant. They thought she would relax and go naturally, but she was holding on. I think she was scared and wanted to fight.

Finally the vet came in and said we should probably euthanize her. My heart just broke harder because it was now real… She was officially going to leave me for good. 11 wonderful years, I rescued her from being putdown back then, saved her from whatever abusive place she was left behind from and helped her to love and trust humans again.

I am heartbroken she’s now gone. It’s always one of the hardest things in life to face. I cried so much for the next couple days, felt like I was in a big slump. Didn’t want to get out of bed… But now we have to keep moving on.

Family

This past weekend my Fiance and I went to spend the night at his grandparents place.  We’ve never been up to stay overnight before and it was a wonderful experience.  I’m glad we made the time to do so as it’s so easy to always say ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I don’t have time.’

It was a very relaxing experience as we hung out pool side all afternoon enjoying the beautiful weather we were blessed with this past weekend and having a few cocktails.  I took the time to really get to know them and ask those questions that I never asked with my own grandparents.  I learned about their history and how they met.  Things I never learned about my own grandparents who were married for over 50 years.

If there was one thing I could do over it would be to spend more time with my grandparents and really get to know them.  I’ve always found as people get older, they love reminiscing about the past and can tell the same stories over and over again with joy.  I’m almost 30 and it always feels so nostalgic to reminisce about my late teens/early 20’s.  I’m glad I had the experiences I did, so that I do have stories to tell and I will always cherish my experiences good or bad as they’ve helped define me.